Skip to content
100facesof.me

Day 14 of 100

Black-and-white close portrait of a bearded man in a gray t-shirt, half his face in deep shadow, one eye visible.
Day 14 / 100 Weight 358.8 (+1 lb) Post depression drained Sony A7R5 50mm F/1.2 1/160 200ISO
0:00 —:—
Narration

I was never able to grow until I experienced an ego death.

An ego death is more than just being humble, it’s understanding that it requires an acceptance of complete defeat, and a willingness to do whatever needs to be done to allow for growth.

In 2006, when I first decided to be sober, I decided I could do it myself. That I didn’t need a program (after all Alcoholics Anonymous is open source), or anyone to help me. Was there some shame mixed in? Boat loads.

I looked up the twelve steps of AA on Google, and picked a couple of them I knew I could do. Believe in a power greater than myself? Sure, why not. Make amends to those I had hurt. Easy, called Mom, said “I’m sorry.” Done. Take a daily inventory? I certainly knew all the ways I had screwed up.

And it worked. Until it didn’t. At first it was a drink here and there. Then smoking some weed. Then frequency and volume increased. I would stop for weeks, months, even years, but when that first drink hit my lips, or the smoke entered my lungs, there was no stopping me.

By 2018, I had hit a bottom. I think most people think a bottom is laying in the gutter without options. A total destruction of your life. But bottoms sometimes are more subtle and look just like giving up.

That’s where I was. I was unhealthy, mentally, physically, spiritually. I couldn’t imagine living like that for the next 30+ years. One day, I decided that I would try everything once to change my life, and if nothing worked, then I would end it.

So like I do with most things, I dove deep. Went to doctors, psychiatrists, naturopaths, anti-aging institutes. Everything. And nothing was really working. I did find out that I had Lyme disease, so there was that.

I was working for a venture fund and I was talking to a founder. For some reason, I told her my story. “What about AA?” She asked. I told her that I had some court ordered sessions years ago and hated it. “You said you would try everything once.” So I agreed to go.

She picked me up in the dead of winter and drove me to a church basement. I sat in the meeting and as people told their stories it dawned on me. I could not save myself, I needed help.

And as my ego died, I knew this was the place I would get it.