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100facesof.me

Day 17 of 100

Bearded man in green t-shirt and white cap seated on a studio set, looking upward, surrounded by lights, backdrop, and window blinds.
Bearded man in green t-shirt, blue shorts and ball cap stands arms open in home photo studio with lights and backdrop.
Extreme close-up of a bearded man in a dark cap tilting his face toward the camera, warm skin tones against a blue-lit room.
Day 17 / 100 Weight Rushed to early meetings Uplifted and smiley Sony A7R4 16mm f/2.8 1/200 ISO160
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Narration

“Our hope is that many alcoholic men and women, desperately in need, will see these pages, and we believe that it is only by fully disclosing ourselves and our problems that they will be persuaded to say, “Yes, I am one of them too; I must have this thing.” — Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 29

Fully disclosed.

I never really understood what it meant to be fully disclosed. How could I, having done all the things I have done, ever trust that being completely open and honest could lead to better days?

Turns out, it’s pretty damn easy.

You see, the things I have done; my stories, many of which I have told in this series (and I am sure many that I will tell), paint a picture of a lost soul who was predisposed to self-harm and a life of destruction. I was not always a kind person. For many, many years I thought more of myself than anyone else. In fact, the rest of the goddamn world was out to get me. I could not win for trying, because the world wanted me to lose.

But sitting in the rooms of AA, listening to others be fully disclosed made me feel something I had never felt. No matter how many companies I started, or teams I played on, or companies I worked for. I felt like I belonged. That this room of people I would never meet in real life, nor spend real time with was filled with versions of me. All the versions. From the worst of the worst to the potential of the best. Each person I have ever met in AA has caused me to look within and see another piece of me.

For the first time in my life, I felt seen. I felt accepted. And sure as shit, I did not feel judged. And while it didn’t happen right away, I started to see myself, accept myself, and stop judging myself.

I have realized that full disclosure isn’t about revealing secrets, it’s about sharing truths.

So I stand here, fully disclosed to the world, smiling, because I know that my true self has finally emerged from the prison I kept it in, and I like what I see. And more importantly, what I feel.