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100facesof.me

Day 19 of 100

Black-and-white side-lit portrait of a bearded man against a dark background, gazing off-camera with a serious expression.
Day 19 / 100 Weight A little nervous, so skipped it Anxious, Puppy is staying overnight at the hospital as a precaution Sony A7R5 50mm f/1.2 1/100 ISO100
0:00 —:—
Narration

I eat alcoholically.

It’s a constant struggle for me. It’s not that I don’t know how to lose weight having done it many times in the past. I know the emotional components of eating as I’ve talked about it for years in therapy.

But put a box of donuts in front of me, and I’ll eat them all. I come home late and order food even though I can eat something from the kitchen quicker. I binge eat, I hide food, I lie about how much I have eaten to myself as if I could convince myself that I hadn’t eaten.

It’s all kinds of crazy.

I talk to my sponsees often about the concept of alcoholic thinking. It’s like we have two brains. One that is constantly trying to get us to blame ourselves, hurt ourselves, and generally to feel like shit. And then one that doesn’t judge us, is kind, and makes good decisions. My alcoholic brain is baffling and cunning. Sometimes it says things that make me believe I’m amazing and should celebrate, and sometimes it reminds me I’m a piece of shit and should punish myself.

And now that I don’t have drugs and alcohol to celebrate with or punish myself, I use food.

What am I to do? Ask people around me, and they provide tons of diet and exercise advice. I smile and thank them, as I have no idea what else to say, but I know none of it will really work.

What will I do? Go back to my first principles. Take each day as it comes. Be kind, try not to judge myself.

And smile. Because I got this. At least for today.