Day 34 of 100

“I’m not it.”

The day started like most others, full of dread and anxiety. I was running a company that was struggling to figure it out and every day seemed to bring more challenges.

At the time, I didn’t respond well to the challenge. I stopped caring for myself, gaining a significant amount of weight. My back hurt constantly from a birth defect in my spine and I was smoking cigarettes. I literally would walk a block or two and rest before I moved on.

As I entered the office, I took a deep breath, opened the door, and smiled. The room was already filled with folks working hard to bring our product to market. I had a few minutes before my first call with a potential investor, probably my fifth of the week, so I said hello to the team and walked to my office closing the door.

“We are going to pass.” I sighed. It wasn’t the first pass, in fact it was probably the 40th but it still didn’t feel good. I said all the right things and hung up the phone. I immediately started breaking down all the meetings I had had with the investor to figure out what I did wrong.

My email dinged. Frankly, it was rarely something good. Potential customers complaining about things, an ongoing frivolous lawsuit, or more investors passing. This time it was one of our biggest customers informing me that they wanted to “talk.”

I pushed away from my desk, grabbed a cigarette and walked out the door and down the street. It was a lot. I felt the world closing in around me and the intensity of being alone in this was crushing. It was all up to me. We succeeded or failed based on what I did.

Walking back to the office I called my lead investor. We talked about a few things and I told him the news of not getting the investment. I sighed, tears started to fall, and blurted out “I’m not it. We need to fire me and get a real CEO in here.”

To his credit, my investor did not panic. He spoke to me quietly and supportively and slowly walked me through a plan for how to move forward. I agreed to continue as CEO, and as I wiped my tears I whispered “but I need some help.”

The company continued for a few more years until we found a home for it, and I finally had the time to spend on my health. I think about that day a lot, especially when talking to founders as we have all had that moment where we questioned everything.

It’s the story we never tell.