Day 92 of 100

“If only he looked better.”

After twenty years of therapy, I am beginning to learn more and more how much small comments made to us when we were younger affect us as we get older.

We take these statements as fact and then build defense mechanisms around those beliefs.

Here is one of mine.

When I was a sophomore in high school, I started to play team sports. I played football (not particularly well), wrestled (until I blew out a shoulder), and swam. Swimming was really where I found my place, and I ended up swimming for all three years, even being a leader in my senior year.

My best friend John was also on the swim team, and was one of our best. He was also unabashed at his desire to go on dates, and was constantly talking to women.

I still hadn’t really figured out what I thought about dating, as I have a lot of anxiety in general, and especially about myself.

About halfway through the junior year swim season, John had met a gurl that he really liked, and she would only go out on a double date. I agreed to go.

And it was fun. Really fun. We went to get something to eat, did stuff that teenagers do, and ended up at a movie. (In retrospect it was so much fun that I cannot remember her name :) )

I remember really enjoying my time and my date, and wondered what she thought.

As anxious teenagers do, I asked John to ask the girl if she liked me. A few days later he came back and told me that she said, “I really liked Micah, it was super fun, if only he looked better I would date him.”

Well that stung.

For years, I have believed that I was not good enough to be in a relationship. I was cool enough, but didn’t look good enough. It has taken years to understand that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and have dated enough, and been in enough relationships to know that at least some people think I look good enough.

But it is amazing how those thoughts continually surface. I have to remind myself that those intrusive thoughts do not serve me, and put them aside. To be honest, it doesn’t always work.

If you have a negative belief about yourself, it is probably wrong, and it is worth exploring if you can set them aside.