Day 27 of 100

It’s nearly impossible to lie when you are an addict/alcoholic.

Which is funny because basically all you do is try.

When I was six years old I was stealing cookies out of the literal cookie jar and my dad caught me.

“What are you doing,” he said accusatorially.

“Putting the cookies back,” I replied.

Lying was never something that I did particularly well.

But we try.

There is the lying to friends, family, and coworkers about how you have everything under control, or more so that it is not self-evident that you are under the influence of something.

When I got sober, I was talking to a senior employee at my startup. “So, I haven’t been sober for a long time.” I explained.

“I know,” he answered.

“How did you know?” I asked incredulously

“Well,” he said. “You used to come in here and go to sleep on the couch and you smelled like a homeless person.”

Yeah, lying was not something I was good at.

Unless it was to myself. I could tell myself that I was going to quit, do better, return a call, do anything positive where there was clearly no way in hell that I was, and I would believe myself.

So I assumed that everyone else believed my bullshit too.

“Um, I haven’t been sober a long time,” I whispered to my dad on the phone.

“I know,” he answered.

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Because you weren’t going to stop until you stopped believing yourself.”

I no longer lie to other people. I still struggle with lying to myself, but I have learned it’s a character defect, and one that I am actively working to change.

One thing I hope I’m not lying to myself about? Finishing this 100 day project.