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100facesof.me

Day 48 of 100

Tight close-up of a bearded man's face screwed up in a shout or grimace, eyes clenched shut, mouth wide open, wearing a green Patagonia beanie against a lavender backdrop.
Day 48 / 100 Weight 353.0 Exhausted. Sleep has been terrible Sony A7R5 50mm f/4 1/250 ISO200

“Some days I have nothing to say.”

It’s not that I don’t have stories. I have stories.

But today my anxiety was on full blast, and it made thinking hard. Every thought I had was covered with indecision, mistrust, confusion, doubling back, rethinking, and just pure questioning.

Should I eat this? I dunno what would happen if I do? Am I really hungry? Maybe I just think I am hungry but I am craving it. Should I email her? What if she thinks I am asking for something other than exactly what I am asking for? What if she thinks I am a creep? What if, what if, what if?

I’ve gotten better at controlling it over the years, and medication certainly helps, but sometimes, man, sometimes, it is just too much.

I went to dinner. Parked in the lot. Saw a tow sign, couldn’t eat dinner because I was afraid my car would get towed throughout dinner. I barely ate. I checked the car multiple times.

I went to an AA meeting. I barely spoke to anyone, I left as quickly as I could. I couldn’t get the thought out of my head that people were looking at me, even though that is clearly untrue.

Anxiety is hard. It is one of those things that I think everyone deals with at some level, and on days when it is running wild, I just get so exhausted from all the thoughts spinning.

I’m good now. I’ve rested and slowed down. Writing these stories help as will sleep when I get there.