Day 62 of 100

“Let’s talk about depression, not sadness.”

It’s easy to describe sadness. But I’ve always found it hard to describe depression.

Sadness can look like depression, but it’s possible to be depressed without being sad.

For me, depression is a mental condition when the brain slows down and the body follows. When I am sad, I am blue. There might be tears. Maybe irritability. Possibly loss (or gain) of appetite.

But when I am depressed, my mind and body actively work to cease to exist. I have no strength to do anything. I cannot move. I cannot think. I just want to see the world devolve into darkness and envelope me utterly.

Another interesting thing? When I am depressed, my brain craves carbs and sugars and it’s looking to feed itself to give itself the energy it needs to return to stability.

With my bipolar, I am known as a fast cycler, so I can be depressed and manic in a matter of hours. Neither side lasts days, and now with medication, a better diet, and a little exercise the extremes of my brain are managed. I am stable 98% of the time these days.

I spent so many years dealing with the poles, I developed my entire life to deal with depression and mania. With them gone, I literally had to relearn how to work. How to engage with people. To do chores.

I can tell when depression is coming these days. I spend money. I have no desire to exercise or move. I do a lot of just sitting there. I can’t listen to music that is too fast, and I order a lot of carbs and sugars.

Over the weekend and into right now depression is coming. I know this. I know how to deal with it, but it’s a subtle foe. Sneaky. It is often here before I realize, and the world turns grey.

I am not sad. I am actually quite hopeful and happy these days. Lots of good things are happening all at once. But in the middle of it all my brain is revving down, and so I am ready for it.