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100facesof.me

Day 64 of 100

Extreme close-up of a man's face cropped to the eyes and nose, brown eyes bloodshot, skin showing pores and creases.
Day 64 / 100 Weight 352.2 Contemplative Sony A7R5 90mm f/8 1/250 ISO800

“No defense against the first drink.”

For a long time I didn’t think I was an alcoholic. I stopped drinking for almost 6 years on my own. If I could keep myself from drinking, then how could I be an alcoholic.

I went to bars and would watch people leave drinks half-drunk and it drove me nuts. “So wasteful!” I would think to myself. “It just makes no sense!”

But still I didn’t drink.

In AA, there is talk about the defense against the first drink. That alcoholics will have mental blank spots and wake up realizing they had been drinking. I never really had that. I did have a battle with myself whenever I was with alcohol. I knew if I never started, I would never have to worry about stopping.

If I went to a bar, I had to keep my hands busy. A non-alcoholic drink, cigarettes, food was always in my grasp. I rarely sat empty handed.

But I battled. I kept myself alcohol free until I didn’t. And it started slowly. A drink here. A drink there. Soon, a drink everywhere. And that continued for a number of years until I found Alcoholics Anonymous and worked their twelve step program of recovery.

When I was in the throws of it, I used to think I drank to do more drugs, but the truth was that I was doing drugs to drink more. Well, and to check out. There was always a desire to be somewhere else mentally.

September, if I get there, will be five years of sobriety. I don’t really worry about drinking much anymore. I don’t have the desire to drink. I actually have had a bottle of wine in my house for years that I constantly forget about. At some point, I probably should give it or throw it away.

My defense against the first drink is living a good life and not wanting to harm it, myself, or others. My defense against the first drink is the belief that I deserve a healthy, good life.

My defense against the first drink is the reminder that I have no defense against the first drink other than the spiritual life I have chosen to lead, and that choice, to live a life of radical acceptance, reduced judgment, and a deep understanding of my inability to control everything is all the difference.